Will I Ever Come Back

Today, after his being there for 9 days, I got a phone call that Dad will be discharged from the Rehab/Nursing Home (RNH). It’s not because he’s ready to go home but it’s that – they say – he’s refused therapy and is violent. There’s a “three strike” rule with Medicare that if you refuse therapy 3X, they will no longer cover any part of your stay and you’re responsible for the full payment amount. (Insert stomach flips here)

They don’t have to tell ME that the man is difficult but I would hope that this type of facility would be able to deal with a grumpy, depressed, stubborn, old man.

Also, during his time there, they’ve sent him to the local ER, twice. The second time was because he’d been given the wrong drug at the Psych ER the day before to help him get thru a CAT scan, and after they sent him back at 3:30 in the morning, the RNH couldn’t rouse him.

Dad says he’s done therapy, taken his pills and isn’t violent. He’s got Broca’s Aphasia (this was the Psych ER resident’s diagnosis) and gets frustrated when the words in his head can’t make it to his mouth. It makes him curse and clench his fist but I don’t believe he’s ever threatened anyone – I’ve seen it for 2 years and he’s never taken a swing at me.

So while I’m trying to get out of the house so I can request important information for Medicaid purposes, I get the above phone call.

Those that are close to me know that I’ve been hanging on by a thread. It’s been 3 years since I learned of my Mom’s Cancer & I haven’t really even had the time to mourn her death. I’m dealing with all of the paperwork; speaking to Dad multiple times a day (this never is a happy, bonding experience) as well as paying Dad’s bills and doing his grocery shopping, traveling from PA to NY every week – and only recently every other week – and the stress has been practically non-stop thru-out.

People tell me to “calm down” and “don’t worry” but if your house is ever on fire, see if that kind of advice is helpful to you.

I can’t sleep, yet I don’t want to get out of bed. The butterflies in my stomach don’t leave much room for food. My Chiropractor is having a field day with my neck.

Back to today.

Tom was at work and so worried about me*  that he called Jane and asked her to just come over and be with me. By the time she arrived I had taken an anxiety pill and was starting to ease up on the tears. We decided to giddy-up and make the 75 minute trip for that paperwork.

Here’s how it went:

She had parked behind me and I said it wasn’t a problem because there was plenty of room for me to get around her…and I promptly put my car into reverse and hit her car.

There was no damage so we continued on.

I almost hit 2 cars while looking at the map in her hand – both times were at stop lights and stopped a little too close for comfort.

We found the bank and went in. I gave my spiel and was asked “Why did you close your accounts?”

At this point I’ve heard this question three times over the past 2 days and you have to know where this is going. I looked at her and said “I hate your bank.”  I did add on the other reasons but I’m not sure the clerk cared.

When we left I was stopped at a traffic light and then put the car into reverse, instead of 1st gear. Luckily no one was behind me.

At this point, I wonder if I’ll ever “come back” and be the person I was 3 years ago, or will I continue to cry at the drop of a hat, sigh like a 90 year-old and have no energy to cook or clean.

OK. I don’t really care about the cleaning part but you know what I mean.


*Tom has been amazing thru all of this. The fact that my Dad can’t push his buttons is a HUGE plus. He is my rock.


9 thoughts on “Will I Ever Come Back

  1. Nope. You’ll never come back exactly to that place, but neither will you continue to cry at the drop of the hat and be listless. You will adapt and you will prevail.

    Plus, I’m going to sacrifice a chicken for you.

  2. Will you ever come back…yes and no. Eventually some sense of normalcy will return to you but will you be the same person you were before? No. But that’s not necessarily a bad thing. When we are faced with difficult situations that try our patience and stretch our sanity to the brink we have two choices: shut down or face them head on and deal. I know you really haven’t much of a choice but you are dealing and you will get thru this and you will come out the other side, perhaps a bit beaten up and a bit changed but you will get thru this. You have a support system, at home and online, use it. We’re here for you.

  3. That’s just what I talked about with my psychologist yesterday: being the same person again. You will, pretty much, be that when you have dealt with this. You are so lucky to have Tom, and that is such a wonderful thing!! I can see now why the Big Things are so hard to cope with. I am thinking of you and hope that everything calms down and sorts itself out pronto.

  4. Marin’s got it. Life has this rotten way of pushing us forward and changing us. We learn we grow we change … but we can never go back. Have faith that you can be the person you want to be, scars and all.

  5. Oh, honey, I am so very sorry. We’re sort of in the same type of boat, though yours looks to be sinking a little faster than mine. Ignore the well-meaning but not helpful advice (“Calm down”) and stay in bed all day if you want/need to. Believe it or not, your body is trying to take care of you.

    I love you, and am thinking of you and Tom (and your father) constantly.

  6. {{{{huge hugs}}}} I wonder too if I’ll be the same person on the other side of everything with my dad (which is not nearly as intense as what you go through), just dealing with him on a daily basis and trying to communicate. I doubt I’ll be the same person again, but maybe its change that needs to be made

  7. I am so sorry you and your family are going through all of this, I wish I had some words of wisdom for you. What I do have are lots of hugs and some strength to help you out some!

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